Lois Barth, Motivational Speaker, Executive Leadership Coach, and Author

I wanted to share a recent experience with disappointment and how I navigated through it. Last Thursday, at 4:45 pm ET, I received an email informing me that I didn’t get a project/contract I had applied for. There was no glossing over this, I REALLY wanted this project. Initially, I felt the urge to either deny my upset and “look on the bright side” or dwell on the setback. However, I realized that neither approach would be helpful.

Instead, I remembered advice from a friend who attends Alanon meetings: “Don’t just do something, sit there.” Despite feeling uncomfortable, I decided to embrace the discomfort and allow myself to feel the disappointment. I thought about the concept of Clean Pain versus Dirty Pain, where Clean Pain is the pure, present-moment experience of pain, while Dirty Pain involves ruminating about the past or projecting into the future.

I contemplated whether I should deal with the disappointment on my own through journaling, meditation, or a walk, or seek support from someone else. I chose to call a friend and simply asked her to listen to me without trying to find a silver lining or offer solutions. Her understanding and support helped me ease the sting of disappointment.

Reflecting on this experience, I realized that I had learned to navigate disappointment by allowing myself to feel the emotions of the moment. This wasn’t easy for me, as I had grown up with a mother who struggled to tolerate disappointment and often tried to minimize or alleviate it in various ways. Her actions, while well-intentioned, conveyed the message that feeling disappointed was not acceptable.